Believe

"You're a bitch."

Meant as a joke or not, that one word set me off today. I wanted to yell so badly, but it wasn't this person's fault. They have no idea what I've been through. I almost flipped my lid, but I just sat there and said, "Douche move." But really, I wanted to be like, "DO YOU KNOWWWW HOW MANY TIMES A DAY I USED TO HEAR THAT?! Do you understand how much I believed deep in my core that I was a bitch, that I was what he said I was?!" Once you hear something enough times, you really do start to think that you are what they say. That is until you get yourself away from the negativity. You heal and realize, you are nothing like he said. You are so much stronger, so much kinder, so much more than he ever gave you credit for. You truly believe...

Break my heart for what breaks Yours

His frailty became more apparent as my car slowed to a stop and my headlights blared straight ahead, casting light on his appearance. He held up no sign, just an ungloved hand on a chilly night, waving hello to oncoming drivers who lined up behind me waiting for the light to show green. The scent of my leftover Pluckers wings hit my nose as I stared at the homeless man with scraggly gray hair and arms that looked smaller than mine. I thought to myself, "There's probably $8 worth of uneaten wings in that box. What do I do?" And then I wondered...how many more times is that man going to stand here as the light turns green and cars drive past without giving him a second thought? My heart broke for this man that I didn't even know, a man that I would probably never see again. I rolled down the window and the cold air bit at my face, such a stark contrast from the coziness of my car. I handed him the small container and his face broke into the biggest grin of missing white teeth that stood out against his dark skin. My face couldn't help but mirror his. The light switched from red to green, and I drove away knowing he would enjoy those wings so much more than I ever could...I drove away thanking God for giving me the opportunity to bless someone else the way He blesses me everyday.

Scar Tissue

My aunt recently had major surgery to correct a prior surgery. I guess the previous surgeon did a not so clean job, or my aunt healed strangely, but she developed internal scar tissue that continued to grow inside her and obstruct certain organs from functioning properly.

I feel like that's what's happened to me. Like the previous inhabitant of my heart made a not so clean break. A bad tenant that left me broken to heal on my own. And now the scar tissue has encased my heart, keeping it from functioning as it should. Not allowing me to feel. Closing off the door to anyone else that might want to find housing. Abandoned. The walls grow thicker and not a soul is able to see the contents inside...not even my own soul. I have no knowledge of what my heart feels anymore, let alone what it means to truly experience any emotion.

I long for God to mend this, for his healing hands to embrace my heart and cut back the layers of hurt and pain.

RAWR

I am stressed. Actually, stressed is an understatement. I'm so anxious and all over the place I feel like I'm going to explode! Aside from the 3 exams that I'm about to have one day after the other, I've got hospital bills to worry about (and healing!), and financial aid/loan issues. I spent a good chunk of today just dealing with operators and voice machines. AHHHHHH, is that a new gray hair? AHHHHHH.

I've also concluded that our healthcare system SUCKS. Why are people against universal healthcare? stupid. Why do I pay a monthly premium for health insurance if it does nothing when I finally need it? stupid. Why can we fund a trillion dollar war but not better healthcare for everyone? stupid.

UT's finaid office is pretty ridiculous too. I was missing forms and that's the reason my loan hasn't been disbursed yet, but every single time I went to ask about it, I got, "Just wait, your funds should be coming shortly." I finally spoke to someone that was willing to give me more than 2 minutes of their time today to find out I've been missing forms since July. AWESOME. Thanks, guys. Thanks.

I'm done ranting. I'm gonna go cry in a corner now.

Recovery

I just had surgery to fix my inguinal hernia yesterday. Are you thinking, "Surgery?! WTF?!" It's ok, I didn't tell many people. Ok, so back to that. Not so bad...until I woke up. I don't remember anything pre-op. I just remember getting wheeled into a very cold, sterile operating room and freaking out a little. The nurses made a few silly jokes and the last thing I remember was laughing. Waking up, I felt soooo drowsy and a little nauseous. The nurse that watched over me in the recovery room was extremely sweet. She gave me Dr. Pepper and cinnamon raisin bread to ease the nausea. Yum! My dad drove up to Austin on Monday to be able to take care of me after surgery on Tuesday morning. This let me see a more caring/sensitive side to him that he rarely expresses. I must admit, I was reluctant to having him come at first but I'm glad he did. I probably would've starved yesterday if he hadn't woken me up for meals and brought them to my bed. A few friends came and visited me and I got phone calls and texts. It made me realize, I am truly blessed to have such amazing and caring people in my life. I'm slowly recovering. The site of the incision (2 inches) is really sore and tender. It's still really painful to walk and the pain meds make me dizzy and sleepy. I've probably already dozed off a few times while writing this, so excuse the incoherency.

Wheeling and Dealing

I currently have 2 new musical obsessions: Owl City, and The Spazmatics

Owl City is more electronic/pop and pretty mellow. Have a listen :)

The Spazmatics are an 80s cover band that I went to watch recently. They dress up in outfits that are meant to represent their bios that they have online. Ridiculously cute.

http://www.thespazmatics.net/bios/

Geoffrey is my bf....Kat is just third wheeling.

On a more personal note, most of you know that I'm constantly trying to better myself as a person and I'm never one to enjoy being static when it comes to growth. At the moment, I think I'm dealing with loneliness. Not an emo, I want to kill myself, type loneliness, but an, I can't bear to be alone with myself for too long, type loneliness. I think I've been realizing it more and more that after my break up months ago, I've coped by constantly surrounding myself with people or going out. I don't view this entirely negatively. I did form closer friendships and grounded myself in people that I'd really neglected. If anything, they were my support group; my sanity when I just wasn't. The going out thing got a little out of hand, though. I was definitely trying to make up for all those times where my former friend boy would restrict me from going out and would get angry if I didn't stay in. It just felt really nice to have that independence again, but after a while, I began feeling really lost and alone with where I was going. I see now that in all those times of quiet desperation when I finally had to face myself, I should've turned to God. Rather than filling in my empty hole with the companionship of others, I should have sought Him out and lessened my burden. For the longest time, I felt like He had given up hope on me, and so I did the same. So foolish. It's obvious to me now, and I've never been more optimistic about this path I'm taking towards finding me again.

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Let Go - Boys Like Girls

That song has probably been on repeat in many different periods of my life. It's my feel better/calm me down song. I don't like the original by Frou Frou quite as much. Anyway, unnecessary tangent aside, the title of this entry is my favorite line in the song. It's such a simple line, and yet it holds so much meaning. To be able to find good and purpose out of the bad times in my life is what keeps me moving forward.

Note to self: Do not forget to glorify Him in all that you do.

No Strings Attached

I am no longer your puppet. The strings have been cut, as they should have been long ago. You can't control me and my emotions any longer. I am my own person, flexing the muscles of newly found independence. I can finally breathe peace into my life.

I <3 California!

I finally have some time to blog about my trip in Cali. I'm staying in the Long Beach area, and the weather here is gorgeous! It's never scorching hot like it is in Houston. There's always this cool breeze, and then nights are chilly :) love it! Needless to say, I've been spending too much time at the local malls :( One day was spent driving to the beach....Laguna Beach!! haha, I really wanted to go there just to say I went there. The houses were HUGE and cars were definitely baller (pictures later to describe what I mean). The water is blue and the sand is white, as it should be. 

My past 2 days were spent in Vegas! :) That was a blast. One of my cousin's friends got us a free VIP suite! Seriously the nicest room I've ever stayed in. 2 huge beds, 2 bathrooms (with bath tub and stand in shower), living room with flat screens, dining table, 2 fridges. OMG. haha. I didn't gamble much. I played the slots and lost like $5 bucks and stopped there. Lol. The night was spent at 2 bar/lounges called Voodoo, and Revolution. Drinks cost an arm and a leg! I bought 2 shots and that cost me $25 including tip. Clubs closed at 4 a.m. and then we went to some hotel (I really don't remember) to get a steak and egg special for $5.99. Ridiculous. Crashed at 6:00 a.m. and woke up at noon for check out. Had lunch around Vegas and headed back...not without hitting up the outlet first. ;)

This was a much needed break from everything. If only I could live here. 

Tonight is one of those nights. All those bad feelings are trying to push their way to the surface. I can feel my  heart ache a little. No matter how successful I am at suppressing these feelings, they find their way out from time to time. Maybe it's because I'm listening to Leona Lewis. Damn you, Leona, and your melodies about reminiscing and old love! 

Now that that's been said... I'm pretty excited about leaving for Cali on Saturday. My first vacation in 3 years!! Granted, it'll probably be mostly family fun, but hey, at this point, i'll take any getaway I can get. It will likely be the highlight of my summer. That, and going back to Austin in July. My summer's been pretty full of major bumming. Mall bumming, movie bumming. Bumming at Barnes and Noble, dragging friends into the bumming...and now, back to more bumming :D 

Forgiveness

Due to recent tumultuous events in my life, I've taken a step back and reevaluated myself. I realized something. I harbor a lot of animosity and hate towards people who have recently wronged me and betrayed me in an inexcusable way. I know as a Christian, I'm called to forgive, but I can't lie to myself. I do not forgive these people. I do desire to; to purge this out of me, but I can't come to say it with my heart. I pray everyday that one day I'll be able to forgive them, and although my lips will say it, the words are meaningless. Sometimes I feel like this heartless person. Those are the moments where the hate consumes me and puts me in this frenzied state of rage, but I do not act on it. I know in the end, that I am better than that and them. I cherish relationships and being faithful to a person and promises; that's why I'm better. 

"Do not say, 'I'll pay you back for this wrong.' Wait for the Lord, and He will save you." 

Proverbs 20:22

Congrats Class of 2009

Graduations mark the end of another year. Yesterday, I went to my first UT graduation for my roommate, Candy. It was a nice way to end the year, regardless of the events that occurred. Now I'm ready to just bum around and hibernate my days away. I'm sure I'll get tired of that after a week. As for summer plans, my bumming will be done in Houston, and then 2 weeks in California. :) yay!!! I finally get to try In-N-Out Burger!! and shop at H&M!! Not even comparable to my friends that will be in Geneva, New York, China?! Possible bummage will occur in Austin here and there when I get really bored. I should find a job. Too bad our economy won't even provide me with a simple retail job. :( 

Btw, I'm currently blogging in a Panera Bread in Dallas. Dallas is boring. LOL. It's a more boring and suburbian version of Houston. Seriously....boonies. Bars here are lame too. I'm spoiled. 6th street provide a whole slew of bars free of cover. Here....$10-20 cover and the most whack crowd you could imagine. This iced coffee and bagel is gross. Time to go exploring....and finish this episode of my drama :) 

Multitasking

In my Family Resource Management class, we recently went over the topic of multitasking in the American society. Interestingly enough, multitasking is actually counterproductive. You would spend less time and be more thorough if you just did the 2 things separately. As my professor is lecturing, I'm thinking, "Nope, not me, I'm a great multitasker." Or so I thought until I discovered today that I can't walk and text at the same time. I stepped in a dead bird, and then tripped on a crack in the sidewalk immediately after. 

piercing

I've been having a lot of dreams these past few nights that involve me with piercings...and also escaping death from people that are trying to capture me. idk. but seriously, every dream involves me being "piss in my pants" scared for my life. *shrugs* back to the piercings. The other night I had a lip ring; it sounds typical, but let me elaborate. this lip ring had a chain that like led to my earring on my ear. disgusting. anyways, in that dream, I also had a piercing on my weenis (sp? weenus) whatever, the skin under my elbow basically. Last night I had more normal piercings. I had a nose piercing and another lip ring...without the chain. Sooo, is this a sign that I should get the piercing that I've wanted, or my subconscious telling me I want the piercing? 

Haha. You just read a whole post on my crazy dreams and desire for piercings. I apologize. :)

Official FML Day

Today was hands down, no contest, one of the WORST days of my life. Or at least the worst that I can remember. I have never felt so hopeless. Like everything that was happening to me was not something I could change. 

First, I hate my G1 now. I use it as my alarm since I like to wake up to music, and the stupid thing froze in the middle of the night, ergo, my alarm does not ring and I do not wake up in time for registration of classes OR to turn in an assignment due at 1:00. Why? Because I woke up at 1:00. After rushing to get ready and looking like crap, I bolt out of my door and drive to campus, pay for parking and it is too late. I arrive at 1:50, class is over. FAIL. I e-mail my TA, begging and pleading with her and telling her my situation and she replies, "I'm sorry for your unfortunate circumstances but we absolutely cannot accept your late assignment." ARGH. To top it all off, it was raining...i don't have an umbrella, and I get to my 2:00 late. OMFG. Worst day of my life. Pile that on to roommate shit. And VOILA, you have Official FML Day for Tiffany Lok. Oh, and bitches aint shit. Oh, and I called my dad to have him make me feel better, and he made me cry.

Helloooo Tiff's Treats ice cream sandwich. :)

lesson learned

it's about 45 minutes before my first exam of the week. glorious! i'm too lazy to lift an extra finger and capitalize properly in this post. i'm that tired...or lazy. take your pick. 

this past weekend, UT hosted the Texas Relays. i don't remember this occurring in the past 2 years...so idk? apparently it's the most dangerous weekend to choose to go to 6th. why, you ask? the gangsta hoodlums fill the streets. most of the attendants of Texas Relays are in high school and can't get into bars/clubs. wtf are they doing on 6th? they're just standing around, smoking, staring, causing fear in others! the streets are packed with guys in sagging pants, sunglasses at night, dressed like soulja boy, and hoochie mamma girls in bright neon colors and big earrings. excuse my stereotyping, i'm just angry about the happenings of this past saturday. i think if it takes me 15 minutes to walk from one corner to the next b/c you and your "bitches" are standing around and doing nothing and using 6th as a hangout place, then LEAVE. that and the fact that everytime a fight broke out, or someone pulled out a gun, they ran like crazy. imagine a mass herd of cattle running around in all directions, trampling us smaller asians who aren't aware of what to do in these situations. maybe they're skilled in the art of escaping danger, but i'm sure as hell not. needless to say, i got shoved into brick walls when these cattle were herded. my friend (and it was also her bday) got trampled on pretty much. she got knocked to the ground and had scrapes on her back. why? bc some idiot pretended to pull out a gun to scare ppl for fun. dumbasses. i'm sorry, but this is only feeding fire to the stereotypes that are already upon you. grow up! 

lesson: no more 6th during Texas Relays. 

this in no way reflects how i feel about a particular race, rather a particular group of people. 

exhausted.

I normally volunteer 6 hrs on Thursdays at the clinic, but today, that 6 hrs felt like eternity!! This day was hands down the most stressful, hectic, and ironically, the biggest reality check. In trying to keep my boss happy, I made 3 runs to Walmart today. That's right, 3. Mind you, I do not get reimbursed for gas. I don't get paid period. I am the lowest of the lows. One of those volunteers you see in movies that runs around getting coffee for the office, buying her boss socks (check that one off the list), etc. On top of that, the kids were extra crazy today! The little girl I worked with today was autistic. Let's refer to her as Child A. I think Child A was a big reminder that the career I'm getting into is not always fun and games with kids. In fact, she tested my patience and left me sitting there wondering, "WTF do I do?!" She swallowed the 2 pieces of gum I gave her, and has an attention/focusing problem which made it impossible for me to interact with her properly.

I need a cocktail....and a pedicure.

"The Others"

Honestly, I don't know why I bother to care anymore. I have concluded that living with people does not make them your close friends. We are simply cohabiting. I have also learned the whole, "Treat others the way you want to be treated" phrase means nothing to these "cohabitants." I am fed up with trying, and caring to form an intimate friendship. It's impossible. How many more talks can I have over the same issue before you realize, "Hey, we haven't changed or made efforts to include you more." I accepted a long time ago that our friendships don't click like those of my other close friends and that effort will be needed to get the ball rolling. I am so dissatisfied with these friends right now that it frustrates me beyond belief! 

I Refuse!!!

Warning, spoiler and possible ranting ahead. 

I was watching Sex and the City, the movie, with my roommates and came to the realization that I hate the Big and Carrie duo. For those of you who have never seen the series, here's a brief rundown. The series is about the (sex) lives of 4 women who are best friends and live in NY. Sarah Jessica Parker plays Carrie Bradshaw who is a writer for this newspaper column. Basically the column is about love, relationships, men, etc. Throughout the 7 seasons of the show, Carrie has her share of men come in and out of her life, but one in particular (James Preston Scott aka Big) bounces in and out A LOT. They get together, break up, she has men in between, repeat cycle. Well, in the movie, Carrie and Big are together and about to get married and the fool backs out. I'm thinking, this is it. The end of Big and Carrie part 12 or something, but no, she freaking ends up with him. SHE ENDS UP WITH HIM. I hate this movie. It is an all too realistic dramatization of my love life, except, I don't want to end up with Big! Why would the writers do this? She ends up with the asshole that's screwed her over soooo many times and marries him. I can't help but shout at the screen, "NO CARRIE, why are you taking him back?! WTF are you doing, woman?!" And then I realize I should've asked myself the same question all those times in the past. 

*Sighs* yes, The Fast and the Furious is on. Gimme some of Vin Diesel and Paul Walker over Big any day. 

Carnivore v. Vegetarian

http://www.forbes.com/2009/03/24/eating-red-meat-lifestyle-health-red-meat-study.html

According to this article, eating too much red meat is not so great for your health and can cause early death. WTF?! What's next? Chocolate will give me cancer? It just seems like there are always new studies rolling out with the next "bad" thing. Normally, I'm the paranoid type that listens, but in this case, NO WAY! I can't possibly ever give up red meat. Maybe pork and chicken, but hearty, flavorful medium rare steaks? Yea, no. 

Just the other day I had a friend come over to my apt. to have dinner with me and the roomies. He's vegan, so we made food to accommodate. He brought over a mushroom and coconut stir-fry, and we made eggplant tofu parmesan (minus the parmesan obviously), and steamed broccoli. It was the most torturous meal I've endured. I forced down every bite to finish my plate in hopes of not making my friend feel uncomfortable. You know what all those dishes were missing? MEAT! We went out for vegan ice cream for dessert and let me just say, ice cream is not the same without milk. How...why...I can't even wrap my mind around this as a choice of lifestyle. 

So, kudos to the vegans and vegetarians who will live longer! I'll cut my life short and enjoy being a carnivore :) 

Spring Break!

Yay for my first "wild" college spring break :) South Padre was amazing, even if 2 out of the 3 days it was 50-60 degree weather. Being the genius that I am, I fell asleep on the beach on our last day. Currently paying for it with the most painful sunburn of MY LIFE. Seriously, my thighs and entire stomach are bright red. If you put your hand around my skin, you can feel the heat coming off of it! :( Well worth it though for all the partying, kite flying, parasailing and getting smacked by ginormous waves.

Kids say crazy stuff

About a month ago, I began volunteering at a clinic called KidWorks Therapy. I love it there! The kids are adorable, and the occupational therapists are all so friendly! :) Makes me really wanna finish school so I can start doing what they're doing. 

Anyways, I was observing one of the sessions today with a boy named Connor. (I know, names should be anonymous, but it ties into the story :X) The OT leading his session is pregnant, and as I'm observing, I witness the funniest thing I've heard a kid say in a while. 

Connor: Miss, is your baby gonna be a boy or a girl?

OT: It's gonna be a girl. Why do you ask, Connor?

Connor: Can I name her, Miss? Pleeeease!!! 

OT: *chuckles and plays along* Of course you can. What would you name her?

Connor: Well, I really like my name, but she can't have it. Connor's a boy's name. So i'll make it into a girl's name. 

OT: Oh really? What would be my daughter's name then?

Connor: Mmmm.....CONNOREA! 

Totally not expecting that. HAHAHA. *sigh* Kids are awesome! 

TGIF

Seriously though, TGI freaking F! This beautiful weather sort of makes up for the lousy week I had. That, plus the fact that there's some pretty nice eye candy that's sitting across from me while i'm eating lunch on the patio ;) apparently i DO know how to eye flirt, Mimi. HA. 

Aside from the normal stresses of exams, this week has an added bonus! Drama fo yo mamma with a roommate! YAYYYY!!! Let's just say that I got called out for apparently stealing one of their hair clips (which I didn't) and was told how much it bothers her that I take said hair clips, which I don't. Icing on the cake, she wrote this all in a letter and slipped it under my door. WTFWTFWTF!!!! I then treated her with the same respect she gave me and wrote her a letter stating how I did not appreciate accusations for something I didn't do, and how she didn't verify the facts before pretty much lashing her crazy fury at me. Geez, let me just slip $1.00 under your door. Go buy yourself a new damn clip. 

Eye candy has left the building :( There is no longer any reason for me to eat lunch here. Bye!! haha

bad student

I seriously question what happened to the motivation I had for school last semester. Instead of writing a 4 page paper that is due tomorrow, I'm idly sitting here...well now I'm typing this blog, but you get the point. 

Now I've found this interesting article I'd like to share!

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/02/19/women.bikinis.objects/index.html

PROOF that guys are jerks and just look at girls as objects! ok, i'm being a hater at the same time, but I find it interesting that there's researched evidence on the fact that when a man sees a scantily dressed woman, the area of his brain that fires is associated with "handling tools" and "permforming actions" (no wordplay intended). Apparently, these reactions are below the level of consciousness, and that action words such as "grab" and "handle" naturally surface in their minds. I think guys just aren't able to think logically in the presence of a hot girl. period. 

Example. Guy sees what he thinks is a "hot" girl. Guy's lower head is saying one thing, and guy's other head is saying THE SAME THING. Conclusion, Guy fucks up a relationship by going after sluttily dressed sorority girl. 

man there's a lot of hate going on in my head after what I just wrote. hopefully, and soon, I won't be drawn towards writing these angry blogs...but for now, I am a woman with scorn!!

unraveling

I'm going crazy.

The End. 

insomnia

I feel like a pair of distressed jeans. Torn and tattered, pre-washed/used. The abuse makes you tougher, prepared for what's ahead cuz you've already endured the path to get to where you are now. Throw me in the wash and wring out the excess tears. Douse some bleach on these frayed jeans while you're at it, and wash clean these memories...

"stupid bitch, are you kidding me?" ---anonymous male asshole

*Warning!! Warning!!! Bitch on the loose*

BITCH, are you kidding me?! Can you please grow a pair and keep my name out of your filthy little mouth?!  

UGH, people are so irritating. It boggles my mind how some honestly think the world revolves around them. Sorry to burst your giant bubble and ego, but I couldn't care less about what you think of me. Contrary to what you think, I do not spend my day pining over you. So please, do the world a favor, get off your high horse, and take all this energy you're expending on childish things to get your life together...If you're even capable of that. 

"Your Wedding Better Sleep With One Eye Open!"

I just finished watching "Bride Wars" and that has to be the best chick flick I've seen in a long time. As I watched Anne Hathaway's character, Emma Allen, on screen, I felt as if I were watching myself and what would've happened 10 years later had I stayed with a certain person. Trapped in a relationship out of convenience and comfort, and thinking the person you're with is the same person you fell in love with. Hell, even the guy who played her fiancee sent me whipping through painful flashbacks. It was an all too vivid reminder of things that need to be forgotten. The only silver lining was that through all the mess, Emma had the support and love of her best friend. Who needs guys ;)

Why Your Brain Can't Always Make Good Decisions

As I was browsing the health articles on CNN today, I came across an interesting one. 

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/01/12/decision.making/index.html

It basically talks about how humans have two thought processes when making a decision, those being, intuition and reasoning. We're good at making minor decisions using our intuition, but it can only take us so far."The intuitive system is emotional, fast, automatic but slow-learning, while the reasoning system is emotionally-neutral, slow, controlled, and rule-governed." I'd like to think that I reason and rationalize outcomes with myself, but when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex, all of that flies out the window, and I'm making decisions left and right based on how I feel. I plead temporary insanity to those horrible and irrational decisions of the past. I can definitely relate to the "slow-learning" part of intuitive thinking.  3 years of mindless decisions and my reasoning system is finally kicking in! Better late than never, right?