Tested

I feel like with graduation looming around the corner, I'm bombarded with decisions and feelings of uncertainty. What next? Apply for grad school. Ok. What if I don't get in? Then what? Life gets so much more complicated as you grow older. I desperately long for the days of simplicity when all you had to worry about was coloring in the lines and whether you were gonna swing or play hopscotch that day. Spring Break was like a tease. Long days of nothing but laying out and bonding with friends, only to be thrust back into a world of decision-making and task orientation. Amidst all of this, I can't help but feel hopeless when I fast-forward to what is ahead. My faith is taking the mother of all tests. Can I still praise Him as I continue trusting that I'll be guided through this massive cloud that obscures the clarity of my future? Unshakeable faith...yea, that's what I need.

The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps

Proverbs 16:9

On a side tangent, Obama is to sign the new health care bill as early as this Tuesday. Why is everyone so against it? It's not like our current system works. All these protests of a country moving towards socialism? Hardly. Coming from a person who's had to have surgery out of the blue, you'll be thankful for it when hardship comes your way. That, and who are you to protest it because you can afford to have the choice of whether or not you want health care. Some people are too poor to even have an option, and continue suffering without the hopes of seeing a doctor because Medicare just doesn't cut it and they're frequently being turned away. Ok, off my soap box.

Believe

"You're a bitch."

Meant as a joke or not, that one word set me off today. I wanted to yell so badly, but it wasn't this person's fault. They have no idea what I've been through. I almost flipped my lid, but I just sat there and said, "Douche move." But really, I wanted to be like, "DO YOU KNOWWWW HOW MANY TIMES A DAY I USED TO HEAR THAT?! Do you understand how much I believed deep in my core that I was a bitch, that I was what he said I was?!" Once you hear something enough times, you really do start to think that you are what they say. That is until you get yourself away from the negativity. You heal and realize, you are nothing like he said. You are so much stronger, so much kinder, so much more than he ever gave you credit for. You truly believe...

Break my heart for what breaks Yours

His frailty became more apparent as my car slowed to a stop and my headlights blared straight ahead, casting light on his appearance. He held up no sign, just an ungloved hand on a chilly night, waving hello to oncoming drivers who lined up behind me waiting for the light to show green. The scent of my leftover Pluckers wings hit my nose as I stared at the homeless man with scraggly gray hair and arms that looked smaller than mine. I thought to myself, "There's probably $8 worth of uneaten wings in that box. What do I do?" And then I wondered...how many more times is that man going to stand here as the light turns green and cars drive past without giving him a second thought? My heart broke for this man that I didn't even know, a man that I would probably never see again. I rolled down the window and the cold air bit at my face, such a stark contrast from the coziness of my car. I handed him the small container and his face broke into the biggest grin of missing white teeth that stood out against his dark skin. My face couldn't help but mirror his. The light switched from red to green, and I drove away knowing he would enjoy those wings so much more than I ever could...I drove away thanking God for giving me the opportunity to bless someone else the way He blesses me everyday.

Scar Tissue

My aunt recently had major surgery to correct a prior surgery. I guess the previous surgeon did a not so clean job, or my aunt healed strangely, but she developed internal scar tissue that continued to grow inside her and obstruct certain organs from functioning properly.

I feel like that's what's happened to me. Like the previous inhabitant of my heart made a not so clean break. A bad tenant that left me broken to heal on my own. And now the scar tissue has encased my heart, keeping it from functioning as it should. Not allowing me to feel. Closing off the door to anyone else that might want to find housing. Abandoned. The walls grow thicker and not a soul is able to see the contents inside...not even my own soul. I have no knowledge of what my heart feels anymore, let alone what it means to truly experience any emotion.

I long for God to mend this, for his healing hands to embrace my heart and cut back the layers of hurt and pain.

RAWR

I am stressed. Actually, stressed is an understatement. I'm so anxious and all over the place I feel like I'm going to explode! Aside from the 3 exams that I'm about to have one day after the other, I've got hospital bills to worry about (and healing!), and financial aid/loan issues. I spent a good chunk of today just dealing with operators and voice machines. AHHHHHH, is that a new gray hair? AHHHHHH.

I've also concluded that our healthcare system SUCKS. Why are people against universal healthcare? stupid. Why do I pay a monthly premium for health insurance if it does nothing when I finally need it? stupid. Why can we fund a trillion dollar war but not better healthcare for everyone? stupid.

UT's finaid office is pretty ridiculous too. I was missing forms and that's the reason my loan hasn't been disbursed yet, but every single time I went to ask about it, I got, "Just wait, your funds should be coming shortly." I finally spoke to someone that was willing to give me more than 2 minutes of their time today to find out I've been missing forms since July. AWESOME. Thanks, guys. Thanks.

I'm done ranting. I'm gonna go cry in a corner now.

Recovery

I just had surgery to fix my inguinal hernia yesterday. Are you thinking, "Surgery?! WTF?!" It's ok, I didn't tell many people. Ok, so back to that. Not so bad...until I woke up. I don't remember anything pre-op. I just remember getting wheeled into a very cold, sterile operating room and freaking out a little. The nurses made a few silly jokes and the last thing I remember was laughing. Waking up, I felt soooo drowsy and a little nauseous. The nurse that watched over me in the recovery room was extremely sweet. She gave me Dr. Pepper and cinnamon raisin bread to ease the nausea. Yum! My dad drove up to Austin on Monday to be able to take care of me after surgery on Tuesday morning. This let me see a more caring/sensitive side to him that he rarely expresses. I must admit, I was reluctant to having him come at first but I'm glad he did. I probably would've starved yesterday if he hadn't woken me up for meals and brought them to my bed. A few friends came and visited me and I got phone calls and texts. It made me realize, I am truly blessed to have such amazing and caring people in my life. I'm slowly recovering. The site of the incision (2 inches) is really sore and tender. It's still really painful to walk and the pain meds make me dizzy and sleepy. I've probably already dozed off a few times while writing this, so excuse the incoherency.

Wheeling and Dealing

I currently have 2 new musical obsessions: Owl City, and The Spazmatics

Owl City is more electronic/pop and pretty mellow. Have a listen :)

The Spazmatics are an 80s cover band that I went to watch recently. They dress up in outfits that are meant to represent their bios that they have online. Ridiculously cute.

http://www.thespazmatics.net/bios/

Geoffrey is my bf....Kat is just third wheeling.

On a more personal note, most of you know that I'm constantly trying to better myself as a person and I'm never one to enjoy being static when it comes to growth. At the moment, I think I'm dealing with loneliness. Not an emo, I want to kill myself, type loneliness, but an, I can't bear to be alone with myself for too long, type loneliness. I think I've been realizing it more and more that after my break up months ago, I've coped by constantly surrounding myself with people or going out. I don't view this entirely negatively. I did form closer friendships and grounded myself in people that I'd really neglected. If anything, they were my support group; my sanity when I just wasn't. The going out thing got a little out of hand, though. I was definitely trying to make up for all those times where my former friend boy would restrict me from going out and would get angry if I didn't stay in. It just felt really nice to have that independence again, but after a while, I began feeling really lost and alone with where I was going. I see now that in all those times of quiet desperation when I finally had to face myself, I should've turned to God. Rather than filling in my empty hole with the companionship of others, I should have sought Him out and lessened my burden. For the longest time, I felt like He had given up hope on me, and so I did the same. So foolish. It's obvious to me now, and I've never been more optimistic about this path I'm taking towards finding me again.