Recovery

I just had surgery to fix my inguinal hernia yesterday. Are you thinking, "Surgery?! WTF?!" It's ok, I didn't tell many people. Ok, so back to that. Not so bad...until I woke up. I don't remember anything pre-op. I just remember getting wheeled into a very cold, sterile operating room and freaking out a little. The nurses made a few silly jokes and the last thing I remember was laughing. Waking up, I felt soooo drowsy and a little nauseous. The nurse that watched over me in the recovery room was extremely sweet. She gave me Dr. Pepper and cinnamon raisin bread to ease the nausea. Yum! My dad drove up to Austin on Monday to be able to take care of me after surgery on Tuesday morning. This let me see a more caring/sensitive side to him that he rarely expresses. I must admit, I was reluctant to having him come at first but I'm glad he did. I probably would've starved yesterday if he hadn't woken me up for meals and brought them to my bed. A few friends came and visited me and I got phone calls and texts. It made me realize, I am truly blessed to have such amazing and caring people in my life. I'm slowly recovering. The site of the incision (2 inches) is really sore and tender. It's still really painful to walk and the pain meds make me dizzy and sleepy. I've probably already dozed off a few times while writing this, so excuse the incoherency.

Wheeling and Dealing

I currently have 2 new musical obsessions: Owl City, and The Spazmatics

Owl City is more electronic/pop and pretty mellow. Have a listen :)

The Spazmatics are an 80s cover band that I went to watch recently. They dress up in outfits that are meant to represent their bios that they have online. Ridiculously cute.

http://www.thespazmatics.net/bios/

Geoffrey is my bf....Kat is just third wheeling.

On a more personal note, most of you know that I'm constantly trying to better myself as a person and I'm never one to enjoy being static when it comes to growth. At the moment, I think I'm dealing with loneliness. Not an emo, I want to kill myself, type loneliness, but an, I can't bear to be alone with myself for too long, type loneliness. I think I've been realizing it more and more that after my break up months ago, I've coped by constantly surrounding myself with people or going out. I don't view this entirely negatively. I did form closer friendships and grounded myself in people that I'd really neglected. If anything, they were my support group; my sanity when I just wasn't. The going out thing got a little out of hand, though. I was definitely trying to make up for all those times where my former friend boy would restrict me from going out and would get angry if I didn't stay in. It just felt really nice to have that independence again, but after a while, I began feeling really lost and alone with where I was going. I see now that in all those times of quiet desperation when I finally had to face myself, I should've turned to God. Rather than filling in my empty hole with the companionship of others, I should have sought Him out and lessened my burden. For the longest time, I felt like He had given up hope on me, and so I did the same. So foolish. It's obvious to me now, and I've never been more optimistic about this path I'm taking towards finding me again.

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Let Go - Boys Like Girls

That song has probably been on repeat in many different periods of my life. It's my feel better/calm me down song. I don't like the original by Frou Frou quite as much. Anyway, unnecessary tangent aside, the title of this entry is my favorite line in the song. It's such a simple line, and yet it holds so much meaning. To be able to find good and purpose out of the bad times in my life is what keeps me moving forward.

Note to self: Do not forget to glorify Him in all that you do.

No Strings Attached

I am no longer your puppet. The strings have been cut, as they should have been long ago. You can't control me and my emotions any longer. I am my own person, flexing the muscles of newly found independence. I can finally breathe peace into my life.

I <3 California!

I finally have some time to blog about my trip in Cali. I'm staying in the Long Beach area, and the weather here is gorgeous! It's never scorching hot like it is in Houston. There's always this cool breeze, and then nights are chilly :) love it! Needless to say, I've been spending too much time at the local malls :( One day was spent driving to the beach....Laguna Beach!! haha, I really wanted to go there just to say I went there. The houses were HUGE and cars were definitely baller (pictures later to describe what I mean). The water is blue and the sand is white, as it should be. 

My past 2 days were spent in Vegas! :) That was a blast. One of my cousin's friends got us a free VIP suite! Seriously the nicest room I've ever stayed in. 2 huge beds, 2 bathrooms (with bath tub and stand in shower), living room with flat screens, dining table, 2 fridges. OMG. haha. I didn't gamble much. I played the slots and lost like $5 bucks and stopped there. Lol. The night was spent at 2 bar/lounges called Voodoo, and Revolution. Drinks cost an arm and a leg! I bought 2 shots and that cost me $25 including tip. Clubs closed at 4 a.m. and then we went to some hotel (I really don't remember) to get a steak and egg special for $5.99. Ridiculous. Crashed at 6:00 a.m. and woke up at noon for check out. Had lunch around Vegas and headed back...not without hitting up the outlet first. ;)

This was a much needed break from everything. If only I could live here. 

Tonight is one of those nights. All those bad feelings are trying to push their way to the surface. I can feel my  heart ache a little. No matter how successful I am at suppressing these feelings, they find their way out from time to time. Maybe it's because I'm listening to Leona Lewis. Damn you, Leona, and your melodies about reminiscing and old love! 

Now that that's been said... I'm pretty excited about leaving for Cali on Saturday. My first vacation in 3 years!! Granted, it'll probably be mostly family fun, but hey, at this point, i'll take any getaway I can get. It will likely be the highlight of my summer. That, and going back to Austin in July. My summer's been pretty full of major bumming. Mall bumming, movie bumming. Bumming at Barnes and Noble, dragging friends into the bumming...and now, back to more bumming :D 

Forgiveness

Due to recent tumultuous events in my life, I've taken a step back and reevaluated myself. I realized something. I harbor a lot of animosity and hate towards people who have recently wronged me and betrayed me in an inexcusable way. I know as a Christian, I'm called to forgive, but I can't lie to myself. I do not forgive these people. I do desire to; to purge this out of me, but I can't come to say it with my heart. I pray everyday that one day I'll be able to forgive them, and although my lips will say it, the words are meaningless. Sometimes I feel like this heartless person. Those are the moments where the hate consumes me and puts me in this frenzied state of rage, but I do not act on it. I know in the end, that I am better than that and them. I cherish relationships and being faithful to a person and promises; that's why I'm better. 

"Do not say, 'I'll pay you back for this wrong.' Wait for the Lord, and He will save you." 

Proverbs 20:22