A Little More Time

I imagined her frail, wrinkled body lying in a sterile hospital room. My heart beat erratically when my dad delivered the news that my grandma had a mild stroke just yesterday. A slew of questions filled my mind. How could this happen? Will she pull through? Is she going to have another one? "I don't know," was all the information my dad could offer. I attempted to steer my way to the Dominican Joe coffee shop, fumbling through the motions and turns of the road. I sat in the parking lot and dialed my aunt's number, knowing that she was the one staying by her bedside. The weak and tired voice of my grandmother answers. She did not show any worry or wavering while she assured me that everything will be fine. "The doctors said if things look good, they'll let me go home tomorrow," she said. My grandmother has always been strong, fighting through the death of my grandfather, hyperthyroidism, and cataracts. She's a trooper. I hung up reluctantly and tried to compose myself in the car before I entered the coffee shop full of people. I failed. Tears streamed down my face like small rivers as I begged for God not to take her away anytime soon. At least let me see her face when I'm there in California 3 weeks from now. "Buy her some time," I pleaded, "Just a little more time..."

Breath of Life

http://www.kxan.com/dpp/news/local/search-on-for-man-at-hamilton-pool

The sun hung high above, wrapping the groups of people at Hamilton Pool in its heat. The site was something to marvel at. A cave surrounded a cascading waterfall that splashed below into a small watering hole, serving as the perfect outlet to cool off. The air was full of excitement as everyone enjoyed one of the first few weekends of amazing weather in Austin. The sounds of laughter and water splashing filled my ears as I bathed in the sun's warmth. The day took a turn for the worst as I heard shouts for help. I sat up in confusion to see the face of a panic-stricken man saying his friend had not resurfaced. My initial thought was, "Oh, haha, very funny," but when I saw strangers running and diving in, I knew then that no joke was being played. I stood around the waterfront amongst others, eagerly awaiting the minute when someone would surface with another man in his arms. 5 minutes passed...10....15.....The atmosphere grew more tense with every minute that ticked by. Nothing. I glanced at his older brother, empathizing with pain and sadness in my heart. He wailed in agony, calling desperately for his brother to reappear, magnifying my feelings tenfold. After what seemed like ages of silence, the chopping sounds of helicopter blades interrupted. A rescue team appeared not long after. I looked back as we were leaving, unsatisfied with how the events unfolded. God reminded me of how fleeting life on Earth really is. The breath of life that keeps you going can be gone in mere seconds. Breathe in...breathe out...breathe peace.

Update: http://www.statesman.com/blogs/content/shared-gen/blogs/austin/blotter/entries/2010/04/04/body_of_hamilton_pool_swimmer.html

Peace be with his family

Tested

I feel like with graduation looming around the corner, I'm bombarded with decisions and feelings of uncertainty. What next? Apply for grad school. Ok. What if I don't get in? Then what? Life gets so much more complicated as you grow older. I desperately long for the days of simplicity when all you had to worry about was coloring in the lines and whether you were gonna swing or play hopscotch that day. Spring Break was like a tease. Long days of nothing but laying out and bonding with friends, only to be thrust back into a world of decision-making and task orientation. Amidst all of this, I can't help but feel hopeless when I fast-forward to what is ahead. My faith is taking the mother of all tests. Can I still praise Him as I continue trusting that I'll be guided through this massive cloud that obscures the clarity of my future? Unshakeable faith...yea, that's what I need.

The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps

Proverbs 16:9

On a side tangent, Obama is to sign the new health care bill as early as this Tuesday. Why is everyone so against it? It's not like our current system works. All these protests of a country moving towards socialism? Hardly. Coming from a person who's had to have surgery out of the blue, you'll be thankful for it when hardship comes your way. That, and who are you to protest it because you can afford to have the choice of whether or not you want health care. Some people are too poor to even have an option, and continue suffering without the hopes of seeing a doctor because Medicare just doesn't cut it and they're frequently being turned away. Ok, off my soap box.

Believe

"You're a bitch."

Meant as a joke or not, that one word set me off today. I wanted to yell so badly, but it wasn't this person's fault. They have no idea what I've been through. I almost flipped my lid, but I just sat there and said, "Douche move." But really, I wanted to be like, "DO YOU KNOWWWW HOW MANY TIMES A DAY I USED TO HEAR THAT?! Do you understand how much I believed deep in my core that I was a bitch, that I was what he said I was?!" Once you hear something enough times, you really do start to think that you are what they say. That is until you get yourself away from the negativity. You heal and realize, you are nothing like he said. You are so much stronger, so much kinder, so much more than he ever gave you credit for. You truly believe...

Break my heart for what breaks Yours

His frailty became more apparent as my car slowed to a stop and my headlights blared straight ahead, casting light on his appearance. He held up no sign, just an ungloved hand on a chilly night, waving hello to oncoming drivers who lined up behind me waiting for the light to show green. The scent of my leftover Pluckers wings hit my nose as I stared at the homeless man with scraggly gray hair and arms that looked smaller than mine. I thought to myself, "There's probably $8 worth of uneaten wings in that box. What do I do?" And then I wondered...how many more times is that man going to stand here as the light turns green and cars drive past without giving him a second thought? My heart broke for this man that I didn't even know, a man that I would probably never see again. I rolled down the window and the cold air bit at my face, such a stark contrast from the coziness of my car. I handed him the small container and his face broke into the biggest grin of missing white teeth that stood out against his dark skin. My face couldn't help but mirror his. The light switched from red to green, and I drove away knowing he would enjoy those wings so much more than I ever could...I drove away thanking God for giving me the opportunity to bless someone else the way He blesses me everyday.

Scar Tissue

My aunt recently had major surgery to correct a prior surgery. I guess the previous surgeon did a not so clean job, or my aunt healed strangely, but she developed internal scar tissue that continued to grow inside her and obstruct certain organs from functioning properly.

I feel like that's what's happened to me. Like the previous inhabitant of my heart made a not so clean break. A bad tenant that left me broken to heal on my own. And now the scar tissue has encased my heart, keeping it from functioning as it should. Not allowing me to feel. Closing off the door to anyone else that might want to find housing. Abandoned. The walls grow thicker and not a soul is able to see the contents inside...not even my own soul. I have no knowledge of what my heart feels anymore, let alone what it means to truly experience any emotion.

I long for God to mend this, for his healing hands to embrace my heart and cut back the layers of hurt and pain.

RAWR

I am stressed. Actually, stressed is an understatement. I'm so anxious and all over the place I feel like I'm going to explode! Aside from the 3 exams that I'm about to have one day after the other, I've got hospital bills to worry about (and healing!), and financial aid/loan issues. I spent a good chunk of today just dealing with operators and voice machines. AHHHHHH, is that a new gray hair? AHHHHHH.

I've also concluded that our healthcare system SUCKS. Why are people against universal healthcare? stupid. Why do I pay a monthly premium for health insurance if it does nothing when I finally need it? stupid. Why can we fund a trillion dollar war but not better healthcare for everyone? stupid.

UT's finaid office is pretty ridiculous too. I was missing forms and that's the reason my loan hasn't been disbursed yet, but every single time I went to ask about it, I got, "Just wait, your funds should be coming shortly." I finally spoke to someone that was willing to give me more than 2 minutes of their time today to find out I've been missing forms since July. AWESOME. Thanks, guys. Thanks.

I'm done ranting. I'm gonna go cry in a corner now.

Recovery

I just had surgery to fix my inguinal hernia yesterday. Are you thinking, "Surgery?! WTF?!" It's ok, I didn't tell many people. Ok, so back to that. Not so bad...until I woke up. I don't remember anything pre-op. I just remember getting wheeled into a very cold, sterile operating room and freaking out a little. The nurses made a few silly jokes and the last thing I remember was laughing. Waking up, I felt soooo drowsy and a little nauseous. The nurse that watched over me in the recovery room was extremely sweet. She gave me Dr. Pepper and cinnamon raisin bread to ease the nausea. Yum! My dad drove up to Austin on Monday to be able to take care of me after surgery on Tuesday morning. This let me see a more caring/sensitive side to him that he rarely expresses. I must admit, I was reluctant to having him come at first but I'm glad he did. I probably would've starved yesterday if he hadn't woken me up for meals and brought them to my bed. A few friends came and visited me and I got phone calls and texts. It made me realize, I am truly blessed to have such amazing and caring people in my life. I'm slowly recovering. The site of the incision (2 inches) is really sore and tender. It's still really painful to walk and the pain meds make me dizzy and sleepy. I've probably already dozed off a few times while writing this, so excuse the incoherency.

Wheeling and Dealing

I currently have 2 new musical obsessions: Owl City, and The Spazmatics

Owl City is more electronic/pop and pretty mellow. Have a listen :)

The Spazmatics are an 80s cover band that I went to watch recently. They dress up in outfits that are meant to represent their bios that they have online. Ridiculously cute.

http://www.thespazmatics.net/bios/

Geoffrey is my bf....Kat is just third wheeling.

On a more personal note, most of you know that I'm constantly trying to better myself as a person and I'm never one to enjoy being static when it comes to growth. At the moment, I think I'm dealing with loneliness. Not an emo, I want to kill myself, type loneliness, but an, I can't bear to be alone with myself for too long, type loneliness. I think I've been realizing it more and more that after my break up months ago, I've coped by constantly surrounding myself with people or going out. I don't view this entirely negatively. I did form closer friendships and grounded myself in people that I'd really neglected. If anything, they were my support group; my sanity when I just wasn't. The going out thing got a little out of hand, though. I was definitely trying to make up for all those times where my former friend boy would restrict me from going out and would get angry if I didn't stay in. It just felt really nice to have that independence again, but after a while, I began feeling really lost and alone with where I was going. I see now that in all those times of quiet desperation when I finally had to face myself, I should've turned to God. Rather than filling in my empty hole with the companionship of others, I should have sought Him out and lessened my burden. For the longest time, I felt like He had given up hope on me, and so I did the same. So foolish. It's obvious to me now, and I've never been more optimistic about this path I'm taking towards finding me again.

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Let Go - Boys Like Girls

That song has probably been on repeat in many different periods of my life. It's my feel better/calm me down song. I don't like the original by Frou Frou quite as much. Anyway, unnecessary tangent aside, the title of this entry is my favorite line in the song. It's such a simple line, and yet it holds so much meaning. To be able to find good and purpose out of the bad times in my life is what keeps me moving forward.

Note to self: Do not forget to glorify Him in all that you do.

No Strings Attached

I am no longer your puppet. The strings have been cut, as they should have been long ago. You can't control me and my emotions any longer. I am my own person, flexing the muscles of newly found independence. I can finally breathe peace into my life.

I <3 California!

I finally have some time to blog about my trip in Cali. I'm staying in the Long Beach area, and the weather here is gorgeous! It's never scorching hot like it is in Houston. There's always this cool breeze, and then nights are chilly :) love it! Needless to say, I've been spending too much time at the local malls :( One day was spent driving to the beach....Laguna Beach!! haha, I really wanted to go there just to say I went there. The houses were HUGE and cars were definitely baller (pictures later to describe what I mean). The water is blue and the sand is white, as it should be. 

My past 2 days were spent in Vegas! :) That was a blast. One of my cousin's friends got us a free VIP suite! Seriously the nicest room I've ever stayed in. 2 huge beds, 2 bathrooms (with bath tub and stand in shower), living room with flat screens, dining table, 2 fridges. OMG. haha. I didn't gamble much. I played the slots and lost like $5 bucks and stopped there. Lol. The night was spent at 2 bar/lounges called Voodoo, and Revolution. Drinks cost an arm and a leg! I bought 2 shots and that cost me $25 including tip. Clubs closed at 4 a.m. and then we went to some hotel (I really don't remember) to get a steak and egg special for $5.99. Ridiculous. Crashed at 6:00 a.m. and woke up at noon for check out. Had lunch around Vegas and headed back...not without hitting up the outlet first. ;)

This was a much needed break from everything. If only I could live here. 

Tonight is one of those nights. All those bad feelings are trying to push their way to the surface. I can feel my  heart ache a little. No matter how successful I am at suppressing these feelings, they find their way out from time to time. Maybe it's because I'm listening to Leona Lewis. Damn you, Leona, and your melodies about reminiscing and old love! 

Now that that's been said... I'm pretty excited about leaving for Cali on Saturday. My first vacation in 3 years!! Granted, it'll probably be mostly family fun, but hey, at this point, i'll take any getaway I can get. It will likely be the highlight of my summer. That, and going back to Austin in July. My summer's been pretty full of major bumming. Mall bumming, movie bumming. Bumming at Barnes and Noble, dragging friends into the bumming...and now, back to more bumming :D 

Forgiveness

Due to recent tumultuous events in my life, I've taken a step back and reevaluated myself. I realized something. I harbor a lot of animosity and hate towards people who have recently wronged me and betrayed me in an inexcusable way. I know as a Christian, I'm called to forgive, but I can't lie to myself. I do not forgive these people. I do desire to; to purge this out of me, but I can't come to say it with my heart. I pray everyday that one day I'll be able to forgive them, and although my lips will say it, the words are meaningless. Sometimes I feel like this heartless person. Those are the moments where the hate consumes me and puts me in this frenzied state of rage, but I do not act on it. I know in the end, that I am better than that and them. I cherish relationships and being faithful to a person and promises; that's why I'm better. 

"Do not say, 'I'll pay you back for this wrong.' Wait for the Lord, and He will save you." 

Proverbs 20:22

Congrats Class of 2009

Graduations mark the end of another year. Yesterday, I went to my first UT graduation for my roommate, Candy. It was a nice way to end the year, regardless of the events that occurred. Now I'm ready to just bum around and hibernate my days away. I'm sure I'll get tired of that after a week. As for summer plans, my bumming will be done in Houston, and then 2 weeks in California. :) yay!!! I finally get to try In-N-Out Burger!! and shop at H&M!! Not even comparable to my friends that will be in Geneva, New York, China?! Possible bummage will occur in Austin here and there when I get really bored. I should find a job. Too bad our economy won't even provide me with a simple retail job. :( 

Btw, I'm currently blogging in a Panera Bread in Dallas. Dallas is boring. LOL. It's a more boring and suburbian version of Houston. Seriously....boonies. Bars here are lame too. I'm spoiled. 6th street provide a whole slew of bars free of cover. Here....$10-20 cover and the most whack crowd you could imagine. This iced coffee and bagel is gross. Time to go exploring....and finish this episode of my drama :) 

Multitasking

In my Family Resource Management class, we recently went over the topic of multitasking in the American society. Interestingly enough, multitasking is actually counterproductive. You would spend less time and be more thorough if you just did the 2 things separately. As my professor is lecturing, I'm thinking, "Nope, not me, I'm a great multitasker." Or so I thought until I discovered today that I can't walk and text at the same time. I stepped in a dead bird, and then tripped on a crack in the sidewalk immediately after. 

piercing

I've been having a lot of dreams these past few nights that involve me with piercings...and also escaping death from people that are trying to capture me. idk. but seriously, every dream involves me being "piss in my pants" scared for my life. *shrugs* back to the piercings. The other night I had a lip ring; it sounds typical, but let me elaborate. this lip ring had a chain that like led to my earring on my ear. disgusting. anyways, in that dream, I also had a piercing on my weenis (sp? weenus) whatever, the skin under my elbow basically. Last night I had more normal piercings. I had a nose piercing and another lip ring...without the chain. Sooo, is this a sign that I should get the piercing that I've wanted, or my subconscious telling me I want the piercing? 

Haha. You just read a whole post on my crazy dreams and desire for piercings. I apologize. :)

Official FML Day

Today was hands down, no contest, one of the WORST days of my life. Or at least the worst that I can remember. I have never felt so hopeless. Like everything that was happening to me was not something I could change. 

First, I hate my G1 now. I use it as my alarm since I like to wake up to music, and the stupid thing froze in the middle of the night, ergo, my alarm does not ring and I do not wake up in time for registration of classes OR to turn in an assignment due at 1:00. Why? Because I woke up at 1:00. After rushing to get ready and looking like crap, I bolt out of my door and drive to campus, pay for parking and it is too late. I arrive at 1:50, class is over. FAIL. I e-mail my TA, begging and pleading with her and telling her my situation and she replies, "I'm sorry for your unfortunate circumstances but we absolutely cannot accept your late assignment." ARGH. To top it all off, it was raining...i don't have an umbrella, and I get to my 2:00 late. OMFG. Worst day of my life. Pile that on to roommate shit. And VOILA, you have Official FML Day for Tiffany Lok. Oh, and bitches aint shit. Oh, and I called my dad to have him make me feel better, and he made me cry.

Helloooo Tiff's Treats ice cream sandwich. :)

lesson learned

it's about 45 minutes before my first exam of the week. glorious! i'm too lazy to lift an extra finger and capitalize properly in this post. i'm that tired...or lazy. take your pick. 

this past weekend, UT hosted the Texas Relays. i don't remember this occurring in the past 2 years...so idk? apparently it's the most dangerous weekend to choose to go to 6th. why, you ask? the gangsta hoodlums fill the streets. most of the attendants of Texas Relays are in high school and can't get into bars/clubs. wtf are they doing on 6th? they're just standing around, smoking, staring, causing fear in others! the streets are packed with guys in sagging pants, sunglasses at night, dressed like soulja boy, and hoochie mamma girls in bright neon colors and big earrings. excuse my stereotyping, i'm just angry about the happenings of this past saturday. i think if it takes me 15 minutes to walk from one corner to the next b/c you and your "bitches" are standing around and doing nothing and using 6th as a hangout place, then LEAVE. that and the fact that everytime a fight broke out, or someone pulled out a gun, they ran like crazy. imagine a mass herd of cattle running around in all directions, trampling us smaller asians who aren't aware of what to do in these situations. maybe they're skilled in the art of escaping danger, but i'm sure as hell not. needless to say, i got shoved into brick walls when these cattle were herded. my friend (and it was also her bday) got trampled on pretty much. she got knocked to the ground and had scrapes on her back. why? bc some idiot pretended to pull out a gun to scare ppl for fun. dumbasses. i'm sorry, but this is only feeding fire to the stereotypes that are already upon you. grow up! 

lesson: no more 6th during Texas Relays. 

this in no way reflects how i feel about a particular race, rather a particular group of people. 

exhausted.

I normally volunteer 6 hrs on Thursdays at the clinic, but today, that 6 hrs felt like eternity!! This day was hands down the most stressful, hectic, and ironically, the biggest reality check. In trying to keep my boss happy, I made 3 runs to Walmart today. That's right, 3. Mind you, I do not get reimbursed for gas. I don't get paid period. I am the lowest of the lows. One of those volunteers you see in movies that runs around getting coffee for the office, buying her boss socks (check that one off the list), etc. On top of that, the kids were extra crazy today! The little girl I worked with today was autistic. Let's refer to her as Child A. I think Child A was a big reminder that the career I'm getting into is not always fun and games with kids. In fact, she tested my patience and left me sitting there wondering, "WTF do I do?!" She swallowed the 2 pieces of gum I gave her, and has an attention/focusing problem which made it impossible for me to interact with her properly.

I need a cocktail....and a pedicure.