A Little More Time

I imagined her frail, wrinkled body lying in a sterile hospital room. My heart beat erratically when my dad delivered the news that my grandma had a mild stroke just yesterday. A slew of questions filled my mind. How could this happen? Will she pull through? Is she going to have another one? "I don't know," was all the information my dad could offer. I attempted to steer my way to the Dominican Joe coffee shop, fumbling through the motions and turns of the road. I sat in the parking lot and dialed my aunt's number, knowing that she was the one staying by her bedside. The weak and tired voice of my grandmother answers. She did not show any worry or wavering while she assured me that everything will be fine. "The doctors said if things look good, they'll let me go home tomorrow," she said. My grandmother has always been strong, fighting through the death of my grandfather, hyperthyroidism, and cataracts. She's a trooper. I hung up reluctantly and tried to compose myself in the car before I entered the coffee shop full of people. I failed. Tears streamed down my face like small rivers as I begged for God not to take her away anytime soon. At least let me see her face when I'm there in California 3 weeks from now. "Buy her some time," I pleaded, "Just a little more time..."

Breath of Life

http://www.kxan.com/dpp/news/local/search-on-for-man-at-hamilton-pool

The sun hung high above, wrapping the groups of people at Hamilton Pool in its heat. The site was something to marvel at. A cave surrounded a cascading waterfall that splashed below into a small watering hole, serving as the perfect outlet to cool off. The air was full of excitement as everyone enjoyed one of the first few weekends of amazing weather in Austin. The sounds of laughter and water splashing filled my ears as I bathed in the sun's warmth. The day took a turn for the worst as I heard shouts for help. I sat up in confusion to see the face of a panic-stricken man saying his friend had not resurfaced. My initial thought was, "Oh, haha, very funny," but when I saw strangers running and diving in, I knew then that no joke was being played. I stood around the waterfront amongst others, eagerly awaiting the minute when someone would surface with another man in his arms. 5 minutes passed...10....15.....The atmosphere grew more tense with every minute that ticked by. Nothing. I glanced at his older brother, empathizing with pain and sadness in my heart. He wailed in agony, calling desperately for his brother to reappear, magnifying my feelings tenfold. After what seemed like ages of silence, the chopping sounds of helicopter blades interrupted. A rescue team appeared not long after. I looked back as we were leaving, unsatisfied with how the events unfolded. God reminded me of how fleeting life on Earth really is. The breath of life that keeps you going can be gone in mere seconds. Breathe in...breathe out...breathe peace.

Update: http://www.statesman.com/blogs/content/shared-gen/blogs/austin/blotter/entries/2010/04/04/body_of_hamilton_pool_swimmer.html

Peace be with his family

Tested

I feel like with graduation looming around the corner, I'm bombarded with decisions and feelings of uncertainty. What next? Apply for grad school. Ok. What if I don't get in? Then what? Life gets so much more complicated as you grow older. I desperately long for the days of simplicity when all you had to worry about was coloring in the lines and whether you were gonna swing or play hopscotch that day. Spring Break was like a tease. Long days of nothing but laying out and bonding with friends, only to be thrust back into a world of decision-making and task orientation. Amidst all of this, I can't help but feel hopeless when I fast-forward to what is ahead. My faith is taking the mother of all tests. Can I still praise Him as I continue trusting that I'll be guided through this massive cloud that obscures the clarity of my future? Unshakeable faith...yea, that's what I need.

The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps

Proverbs 16:9

On a side tangent, Obama is to sign the new health care bill as early as this Tuesday. Why is everyone so against it? It's not like our current system works. All these protests of a country moving towards socialism? Hardly. Coming from a person who's had to have surgery out of the blue, you'll be thankful for it when hardship comes your way. That, and who are you to protest it because you can afford to have the choice of whether or not you want health care. Some people are too poor to even have an option, and continue suffering without the hopes of seeing a doctor because Medicare just doesn't cut it and they're frequently being turned away. Ok, off my soap box.

Believe

"You're a bitch."

Meant as a joke or not, that one word set me off today. I wanted to yell so badly, but it wasn't this person's fault. They have no idea what I've been through. I almost flipped my lid, but I just sat there and said, "Douche move." But really, I wanted to be like, "DO YOU KNOWWWW HOW MANY TIMES A DAY I USED TO HEAR THAT?! Do you understand how much I believed deep in my core that I was a bitch, that I was what he said I was?!" Once you hear something enough times, you really do start to think that you are what they say. That is until you get yourself away from the negativity. You heal and realize, you are nothing like he said. You are so much stronger, so much kinder, so much more than he ever gave you credit for. You truly believe...

Break my heart for what breaks Yours

His frailty became more apparent as my car slowed to a stop and my headlights blared straight ahead, casting light on his appearance. He held up no sign, just an ungloved hand on a chilly night, waving hello to oncoming drivers who lined up behind me waiting for the light to show green. The scent of my leftover Pluckers wings hit my nose as I stared at the homeless man with scraggly gray hair and arms that looked smaller than mine. I thought to myself, "There's probably $8 worth of uneaten wings in that box. What do I do?" And then I wondered...how many more times is that man going to stand here as the light turns green and cars drive past without giving him a second thought? My heart broke for this man that I didn't even know, a man that I would probably never see again. I rolled down the window and the cold air bit at my face, such a stark contrast from the coziness of my car. I handed him the small container and his face broke into the biggest grin of missing white teeth that stood out against his dark skin. My face couldn't help but mirror his. The light switched from red to green, and I drove away knowing he would enjoy those wings so much more than I ever could...I drove away thanking God for giving me the opportunity to bless someone else the way He blesses me everyday.

Scar Tissue

My aunt recently had major surgery to correct a prior surgery. I guess the previous surgeon did a not so clean job, or my aunt healed strangely, but she developed internal scar tissue that continued to grow inside her and obstruct certain organs from functioning properly.

I feel like that's what's happened to me. Like the previous inhabitant of my heart made a not so clean break. A bad tenant that left me broken to heal on my own. And now the scar tissue has encased my heart, keeping it from functioning as it should. Not allowing me to feel. Closing off the door to anyone else that might want to find housing. Abandoned. The walls grow thicker and not a soul is able to see the contents inside...not even my own soul. I have no knowledge of what my heart feels anymore, let alone what it means to truly experience any emotion.

I long for God to mend this, for his healing hands to embrace my heart and cut back the layers of hurt and pain.

RAWR

I am stressed. Actually, stressed is an understatement. I'm so anxious and all over the place I feel like I'm going to explode! Aside from the 3 exams that I'm about to have one day after the other, I've got hospital bills to worry about (and healing!), and financial aid/loan issues. I spent a good chunk of today just dealing with operators and voice machines. AHHHHHH, is that a new gray hair? AHHHHHH.

I've also concluded that our healthcare system SUCKS. Why are people against universal healthcare? stupid. Why do I pay a monthly premium for health insurance if it does nothing when I finally need it? stupid. Why can we fund a trillion dollar war but not better healthcare for everyone? stupid.

UT's finaid office is pretty ridiculous too. I was missing forms and that's the reason my loan hasn't been disbursed yet, but every single time I went to ask about it, I got, "Just wait, your funds should be coming shortly." I finally spoke to someone that was willing to give me more than 2 minutes of their time today to find out I've been missing forms since July. AWESOME. Thanks, guys. Thanks.

I'm done ranting. I'm gonna go cry in a corner now.